I've probably attended over 10,000 games in my lifetime and I'm still constantly amazed to this day by what people wear to them, what they bring to them and how they conduct themselves.
Take, for instance, the five or so rocket-science dropouts from MIT, sans T-shirts, that want to spell out their team's name, their girlfriend's name or the letters I-D-I-O-T-S on their chest in sub-freezing weather. They also wear paint on their faces to disguise who they really are in case the camera pans by them.
Yeah, after all these years, I've witnessed girls streaking over the ice at a hockey game, an outfielder in Los Angeles save the American flag from being burnt and a former player of mine going into the stands at Wrigley Field to get his hat, triggering a melee that is encased in ESPN highlight archives forever.
Nowadays, though, I'd just rather watch youth sports and relax. And let me tell you, I've found a way to do it in style.
I located an obscure Web site that outfits you for a youth sports contest by the name of, "We've got you covered for a youth athletic contest day or night from head to toe dot com." Forget the fact this package costs over 5,000 dollars.
I'm tired of all the days of sweating, freezing, being thirsty, getting blown away, no food and sitting on grass that is wet or bleachers that require a Monday morning trip to the chiropractor. No more!
My package came with a mini U-Haul storage unit on wheels that can be towed by any bike or car. Enclosed inside was my 323-page instruction manual in five languages.
First glancing inside the container I noticed the chair. Not just any chair, though. It came with seat warmers, a sunflower seed dispenser for both getting and disposing of shells, cup holders, a spray bottle holder for hot days, a recliner, a place for discarded newspapers, and a camera stand so I don't have to get up to take any more pictures.
Delving deeper I found an umbrella and a pop-up gazebo, complete with misting hookups for hot days and a heater for cold days. A zipper screen was also included for tournament days in the Central Valley when flies become a nuisance.
In the manual it even included information as what to wear depending on the forces of nature and it informed you to outfit yourself with shorts and tank top or sweatshirt and parka. Sandals or snowshoes, no underwear or long johns, visor or ski mask were also recommended choices.
I guess I'll just slap on some sunscreen from my handy-dandy kit, pick out my spot for today's contest, unload my U-Haul, take out my air horn, put on my mascot hat and start a chant, "Let's go River Cats."
As long as the paint from my chest doesn't drip and I don't have to stand for any dumb song, I should be able to enjoy the day.
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Rich Taylor has been coaching youth sports for over 25 years, is the Co-Director of the ACE Powerband national arm strengthening program and formerly scouted and coached in professional baseball. His column, A Sideline View, appears once a week. Reach him at rjtaylor23@yahoo.com
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A football patriarch
